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The Future is Yesterday

Quantum Leap is probably my favorite time travel show.  Some dude randomly goes back in time to correct ‘wrongs’ in history.  Through his hologram pal, he has access to a supercomputer named Ziggy that makes all of the probability calculations to determine the outcome of his actions on the future.  He even gets to experience others’ lives by hijacking their body while their soul hangs out in some waiting room in the future.  Now that I think about this time traveling bodysnatcher, it sounds kinda creepy.  To complicate matters, there was an evil leaper who went back in time to undo favorable moments in history.

Multiply that by a million.  If time travel is ever achieved, the technology will eventually be affordable enough for Mr. Average Joe to have his very own time machine.  A million potential time travelers is a reasonable number given that there are what, seven billion people on the planet?  A million people traipsing through time, crushing colorful butterflies with their muddy boots, and essentially bungling history.

Either our lives will become a series of Billy Pilgrimesque flashbacks, or there are infinite timelines.  For a universe that is finite, I find it hard to believe that anything infinite can come from it.  Besides, having a fractured lifetime could be somewhat interesting if you aren’t driven insane.

This could be a brave new world where not only is anything possible in the future, everything is possible in the past.

Perhaps the best place (or time) to go for the time traveler would be the future.  I would choose a method where you don’t even need a fancy phone booth.  I would choose to make the Rip Van Winkle Caper a reality.  I mean, who doesn’t like a good caper?

To mastermind a gold heist and to enjoy it after a hundred year slumber, you would have to be pretty fit.  One, because gold is really heavy.  Two, I don’t know if I would want to be riddled with arthritis in a future where everyone is a muscular android lizard person.  Actually, you might want to make a lizard person suit out of a set of footie-pajamas so you can blend in.

If you arise in the future and gold is worthless, oh well.  Just wait.  There are a million jokers traveling through time and they are bound to change your future.


Mindless Drivel

Conversation is overrated. I learned this over the years by having conversations with my dad. I don’t know if he was born to have long discussions about nothing or if it is the result of his dad re-enacting Three Stooges scenes by clunking his head against his sisters’ heads.

My dad knew the art of having conversations beyond their expiration date by interjecting meaningless and irrelevant details. Is being subjected to inane conversation considered abuse?

Flash forward to the present: I still hate details and I dislike most conversation more than two words. I actually spend a lot of time thinking about saying something as concise as possible. When I ask a question, I require only the detail I ask for.

An example of of scintillating conversation would be something like this: “Was the movie good?” An acceptable reply is “yes.” A typical answer is more like this: “The movie was blah, blah, blah, blah…”

See what I did there? I just tuned out and directed my attention to the dog defecating in the yard. I’m thinking, “Why does the dog crinkle itself up to poop but stretches out to pee?”

My wife is irritated by my attention span. Not that she has inane conversation. She always wants to discuss important matters, but my brain has been trained to have drive-thru dialogue. “Would you like fries with that?” Of course I want fries with that. What a stupid question. I always want fries with that unless they are calf fries.

See how easily I’m distracted? I can remember the old 80’s commercial by the United Negro College Fund. “A mind is a terrible thing to waste…” Then I remember the commercial with Iron Eyes Cody crying when he sees someone litter.  Did you know he wasn’t Native American?

Just be glad I’m not an air traffic controller.

Food Idiosyncrasies…I Don’t Like White Food

I know it sounds silly. It’s a fact I haven’t shared much in the past. I haven’t even told my wife until about a month ago, though I’m sure she already suspected it.

There are some innocuous white foods like eggs, potatoes and rice, but I sincerely abhor mayonnaise, cream cheese, white milk (or milk in general)…you get the picture. There are exceptions to the rule, like when you need to use mayonnaise for tuna salad or cream cheese for a velvety peanut butter pie, but when I cook with these ingredients I have my cleansing ritual. There’s nothing worse than leaving a milk ring on the counter with the milk cap.

I’m sure my white food aversion stems from my dad’s efforts to cajole me into drinking white milk. I don’t know what his obsession was because I loved chocolate milk, but I guess at six or seven, I was his experiment in Nazi parenting.

Cajole is too soft a word. My dad was the White Milk Enforcer. Numerous times, he would wrestle me in the kitchen to pour that evil beverage down my throat. He would literally pour it down my throat after he pried my mouth open. My hatred for that ivory abomination ran so deeply that he usually ended up pouring two glasses onto my face only for it to soak us. After the fight was wrestled out of me I would finally submit so that I could brush my teeth and take a shower.

So I have an aversion to white food. It’s definitely not a hard and fast rule because to make delicious treats I frequently have to make exceptions, but I still have to scrub down like I’m about to perform an appendectomy after their use, though.