I was at Lowe’s today when I saw a guy wearing measuring tape suspenders. I’m sure you’ve seen them. He didn’t even have them on right. His left suspender was twisted. You know the kind of twisted your seat belt sometimes gets when you hurriedly buckle up?
This guy was completely dorked out with these yellow suspenders. He even had a belt on. Seriously. Belt with suspenders? It’s like having redundant systems on a 100 million dollar fighter jet. This guy was serious about keeping his pants up.
You want to know what I thought as I gazed upon this Renaissance man, a perfect specimen of awkwardness? I could rock those shoulder straps.
I’m fascinated by how I have developed over the years. In my youth I was always scared I’d look like some boob. Now I don’t care. I actually will wear things that make me look ridiculous. On purpose. My wife hates it.
I have my old man shoes. I’ll wear shorts with a jacket. My white socks are glaringly obvious. Heather actually will scrunch my socks down so I look a little less clownish. I view the world through scratched up glasses that are noticeably crooked. To complete my ensemble I wear a salt-crusted baseball hat. That’s character. I imagine myself as Clint Eastwood in The Outlaw Josey Wales. Except I’m cooler.