It’s Not A Tumor!

Have you ever had an exceedingly embarrassing moment? One of those cringeworthy instants you wish you could erase? An ignominious occasion that burns in your mind and still makes you blush?

Four years ago we got a couple of ducklings for the girls. We only kept the ducks a few months, in large part because the girls lost interest in them after they lost their yellow fluff.

One bird was a big majestic white duck. It was Zoe’s, and I was going to bring it up to her school for show and tell. Just as I was about to pull the duck out of the cage by its wing, something on its back caught my attention.

There was a huge red growth on its back. It was a tumor. A big, veiny cyst. It was an angry throbbing monstrosity that horrified me. And I think I touched it.

Naturally, I couldn’t bring Zoe’s class near the cadaverous tumor riddled bird, so I had to grab the mallard. I reported my findings in detail to my wife, Heather. I could tell over the phone that she was uneasy.

When Heather came home from work, I released the duck to play in the yard for her to inspect. After all, she is a physical therapy assistant. She is a tumor expert.

The girls were gathered around this duck on borrowed time. I thought I would be digging a new hole soon.

Heather eyed the red abomination closely and determined it was a Jolly Rancher matted in its feathers.

To this day, all members of our household laugh at my misstep.

For future reference, we must consider that philosopher Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “It’s not a toomah.”


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